Sir Brian had a mission in his great big courtroom
To call up all the journalists and bip them on the head.
On Wednesday and Saturday
But mostly on the latter day,
He summoned both the Murdochs - and this is what he said:
'I am Sir Brian' (ting-ling)
'I am Sir Brian' (rat-tat)
'I am Sir Brian, as bold as a lion, take that! And that! And that!'
Sir Brian had a sidekick with a great big ego
Who questioned every witness with incredulous disdain.
On Tuesday and on Friday,
Just to make Fleet Street look tidy
He'd gather up the gutter press and flush it down the drain.
'I am Sir Brian' (sper-lash)
'I am Sir Brian' (sper-losh)
'I am Sir Brian, as bold as a lion, anyone else for a wash?'
Sir Brian had an antidote to phone-hacking journalists
He'd get MPs to change the law and put them all in chains.
On Thursday and on Monday
(and sometimes on a Sunday)
They'd face a brand new ombudsman who'd seize ill-gotten gains.
'I am Sir Brian' (ker-ching)
'I am Sir Brian' (ker-pow)
'I am Sir Brian, as bold as a lion, let's see you misbehave now.'
Sir Brian's wheeze found favour with a group called Hacked Off
Who gathered in a Commons room to lobby top MPs.
They ate KitKats and talked til three
Then, come the dawn, announced with glee
'We've got the buggers cornered; there shall be no more Press sleaze.'
'Hurrah for Sir Brian' (whoo-pee!)
'Hurrah for Sir Brian' (woo-hoo!)
'Hurrah for Sir Brian, as bold as a lion, that'll teach them to upset Hugh.'
Sir Brian's scheme was challenged by editors and pundits.
They cried 'We must have freedom to keep society strong.'
Then the local papers
Had attacks of the vapours
And squealed 'We'll all be ruined, yet we've done nothing wrong.'
'Down with Sir Brian (yah-hiss!)
'Down with Sir Brian (yah-boo!)
'Down with Sir Brian, as bold as a lion, we'll put our own house in order, thank you.'
Sir Brian's friend in Downing Street was not sure how to take this
And so he came to barter
On terms of Royal Charter
To put to privy counsellors (and Liz and Phil the Greek).
'How's that Sir Brian?' (What ho!)
'How's that Sir Brian?' (What fun!)
'We'll get a law through somehow - I'm just not sure which one.'
Sir Brian's clever sidekick was made a judge at High Court
While his lordship nursed a dream that he'd soon be the LCJ.
But then we learnt that SOCA
Had told Sir Brian earlier
That lawyers and big businesses had been a-hacking too.
'What's that, Sir Brian? (Shame them!)
What's that, Sir Brian?' (Shame you!)
'What's that, Sir Brian as bold as a lion. They were worse than the press AND YOU KNEW?'
Sir Brian has a date now to stand in front of MPs
And tell them why this little fact was not in his report.
He'll talk about his remit
And why should others see fit
To question his authority as master of his court?
'I am Sir Brian (good egg)
'I am Sir Brian (good sport)
'I am Sir Brian as bold as a lion - but not quite as bold as I thought.'
A corruption of Bad Sir Brian Botany from When We Were Very Young,
by A.A. Milne with illustrations by E.H. Shepard
Published by Methuen in 1924